


What's Up, Doc?

by memorizingthedigitsofpi



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Lorelei left them with a parting gift, Post-Episode: s01e15 Yes Men, Ward is still a good guy, awkward medical appointments, doctor!jemma, patient!fitz, priapism, season 1 cuties, size doesn't matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 17:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5135888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memorizingthedigitsofpi/pseuds/memorizingthedigitsofpi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the BUS team's resident medic, Jemma needs to treat Fitz's embarrassing condition, whether he wants her to or not.</p><p>Post-ep crack!fic for 1x15 Yes Men. Lorelei leaves Fitz (and Ward) with a 'parting gift' of sorts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's Up, Doc?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jessiecrimefighter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessiecrimefighter/gifts).



Jemma huffed out a frustrated sigh and, rolling her eyes, pounded again on the door in front of her. "Fitz!" she shouted. "I know you're in there!"

"Am not!" came the muffled reply.

She couldn't keep the smirk off her face at that. "Oh yes," she said sarcastically. "That's _quite_ convincing. _Really_."

"Go away!" Fitz shouted back. "I'm _fine_!"

Jemma stamped her foot impatiently, crossing her arms and frowning at the still-closed door in front of her. "And I'll _believe_ you're fine when I see it for myself."

The door suddenly jerked open a few inches and Fitz's angry face popped in to occupy the newly-revealed space. "Then I guess you'll not be believing it," he said tersely. "Because there's no way in _hell_ I'm showing it to you!"

He moved to slam the door shut again, but Jemma had already inserted her foot between it and the jam. Pressing both hands against it, she shoved as hard as she could and was gratified when Fitz stumbled backwards into his room. "Leopold Fitz," she began, using this full name so that he knew _just_ how upset she was with him. "This is your _health_ we are talking about here, and I _will not_ let you ignore this!"

"I'm _not_ ignoring it!" Fitz protested, rushing over to his bed to close his laptop. "I'm... taking care of it, alright?" He shifted his eyes awkwardly to the side and blushed self-consciously. "It's not a big..." He clapped his mouth shut. "It's not _hard_ t-..." His face crumpled into a desperate expression. "I can handle..." He groaned and covered his face with both hands.

Jemma looked at him sympathetically before reaching out a hand to stroke along his arm. He jumped as soon as she touched him. "Just, come to the lab?" she asked, her eyebrows raised and mouth turned up in an expression of encouragement.

Fitz's jaw dropped in horror. "I can't come- _go_ to the lab like this!" he protested, gesturing downwards.

Jemma bit her lower lip as she glanced at the indicated problem. He certainly had a point.

"It'll be _fine_ ," she said with cheerful enthusiasm. "Ward didn't have a problem at all."

"Oh, _Ward,_ " Fitz scoffed.

"What?" Jemma asked, frowning in confusion.

"Well, I mean," Fitz shifted from one foot to the other. "He's quite... _tall_ , isn't he?" he asked a bit circumspectly.

"Yes?" Jemma asked, her forehead wrinkling even further. "What has that to do with your situation?"

"I just mean," Fitz cleared his throat and stared at the bookshelf above his bed. "Ward's..." he gulped and glanced at Jemma out of the corner of his eyes before looking back at the bookshelf again. "He's..." He scratched the back of his neck and ruffled his hair a bit. "We're quite different people," he concluded lamely.

Jemma looked completely lost. "I still don't know what-"

"I could do without the comparison, alright Simmons?" Fitz burst out, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and middle finger. At least the headache was taking his mind off of the other ache he was dealing with.

Jemma squeezed her lips together in an effort not to laugh. " _That's_ why you haven't come to see me?" she asked. "Fitz...."

He waved a hand at her to silence her pep talk before it began. "I'm _fine_ , Simmons," he sighed. "I'm perfectly capable of... _managing_ on my own." He cupped her elbow in one hand and moved to guide her back out his door.

She planted her feet and refused to be moved. "You're _not_ , Fitz," she said firmly. "Erections lasting longer than four hours are considered medical emergencies and require immediate treatment."

Fitz winced at the word 'erection' and continued squirming through the rest of her statement. "It's only been three and a half," he argued weakly, knowing that he was going to give in.

"Yes, well," Jemma crossed her arms and glared at him. "Early treatment is necessary if you'd like to maintain full functionality."

"Full..." Fitz's eyes widened in horror. "I could lose... _functionality_?" he whispered in horror.

She nodded once, emphatically. "With the blood being trapped in your penis and not flowing normally, it will lose oxygenation which can lead to tissue damage," she explained, watching as Fitz grew gradually paler. "This can lead to erectile dysfunction, disfigurement, and even _gangrene_."

Fitz sank down onto his bed, head swimming with horrifying thoughts and images. "Gangrene?" he said hoarsely, swallowing down the bile that rose up in his throat.

"Gangrene," Jemma nodded again. "Now, are you going to let me do my examination, or are you just going to wait for your penis to fall off?" That might have been a bit mean, but she had much better things to do than chase down a load of men who'd been magicked into arousal and couldn't beat themselves back to normal on their own.

Fitz nodded weakly, looking distinctly green around the gills.

Ten awkward minutes later, he pulled his pants back up and tried not to meet Jemma's eyes. "Well?" he asked, vaguely wondering if he'd ever be able to stop blushing.

Jemma, looking a bit flushed herself, handed him a packet of pseudoephedrine. "Take two of these, and I'll check back in with you in half an hour."

"And that should..." Fitz hesitated, searching for the right words. "Make it go away?" he concluded euphemistically.

Jemma nodded, turning toward the door. "I'm just going to check on Ward now and see what his condition is. If it's worked for him, it should work for you, as well."

"Right," Fitz nodded. "Ward." His expression soured slightly at the thought of Jemma examining him, too.

She paused before leaving the room and turned back to give him a bright smile. "Ward may be... tall," she said, looking down at the floor and blushing brightly. "But you're..." she cleared her throat. Then she looked up once more and met his eyes, holding his gaze with her own. "Well, you're not exactly _short_ , Fitz."


End file.
